Qualudes Don't Justify Larceny

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, it is Thursday, the post-hump day, so I hope everyone got in enough humping yesterday. Now it's time to put those virtual pens to the virtual paper and finalize your answers to this week's quizly goodness. Some of you are prompt and studious and have answered already; well-done, we say unto thee! But some of you are filled with sloth and laziness and have not partaken of our offering. And so, instead of eating a tasty animal, I offer something called INCENTIVE! Yes, this week, angledge is hard at work in the field and then off travelling to the far reaches of the East Coast. This will take her away from precious Internet... which leaves me free to add ALL THE PUNS I WANT. So take this opportunity to pun away! Pun like you've never punned before! Pun in your answers! Pun in these comments! Pun well! Pun poorly! The hour is upun you all!


Right. Here's a pun joke to start you all off. After this travesty, everything else should look good in comparison.

The Carnival had come to Camelot, and all the squires were given the day off to enjoy the fair. Squire James, Squire John, and Squire Robert went out together and immediately headed for the Exotic Animal Rides. The animal trainer welcomed them and showed off his menagerie of beasts for the squires to try out. James and John, hardy lean fellows as they were, selected a giraffe and a camel respectively, and took off down the field. Robert, however, was a good deal heavier than his comrades; in fact, as heavy as both of them together. The animal trainer had only one creature available that could handle Robert's girth: a hippopotamus. With some ado, Robert was seated on the large creature and set out after his friends.

In summary, the squire on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two rides.

Can you do better? Goddam straight you can. Play the quiz! Play now!

Comments

[deltashade.livejournal.com]

We're gonna pun like kings! Damn hell ass kings!

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

According to question 1, more like kings of Hellass.

[woap.livejournal.com]

A frog hops up to Miss Patricia Wack, a teller at a bank. "How can I help you, little guy?" "My name is Kermit Jagger, and I'd like to borrow some money," and the frog gives her a little crystal elephant. "Will that do?"

Utterly mindblown, she goes to her bank and relates the story. "And what is this elephant for?"

He tells her:

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan - his old man's a Rolling Stone."

[woap.livejournal.com]

*to her BOSS, dammit.

And I already did the quiz, so I can waste time punning.

[wingsister.livejournal.com]

There were two guys in a boat in the middle of a lake, fishing. After a while, they started to fell a little chilly, so the lit a fire in the middle of the boat. It burnt a hole through it, and the boat sank.

Which just goes to show that you can't have you kayak and heat it too.

[lacunarity.livejournal.com]

Did someone mention bad puns?

Two fish are in a tank. One of them turns to the other and says, "Hey, how do you steer this thing?"

Two birds are on a perch. One of them turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you smell fish?"

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Followed by the classic:

A man walks into a bar. *THUNK* "Ow!"

[lovellama.livejournal.com]

For dinner last night, we had Lasagna and Honeymoon Salad (lettuce alone). (we really did!)

Fourteen naked Peruvian nuns walk into a bar. The bartender asks if he can get the ladies anything. They say 'No thanks, we're trying to kick the habit'.

Once upon a time there was a birch tree and a beech tree growing next to each other in the forest. One day they noticed a little sapling had emerged between them. They started arguing who's child it was-- was it was a son of a beech or a son of a birch? A woodpecker few by and they requested that he go take a look and tell them. Minutes passed, and the woodpecker finally returned. When asked if the sapling was a son of a beech or a son of a birch, the woodpecker answered 'Neither, but it's the best piece of ash I've ever had'.

[deltashade.livejournal.com]

Oh, GOD, I love that second one. (In the same vein, when you compel someone to become a nun, it's a force of habit.)

[n5iln.livejournal.com]

Well, you o-pun-ed the door, so I'll just have to jump a-pun the bandwagon.

A physician had a habit of visiting the local bar every evening after his rounds at the hospital. And he always ordered the same thing...a strawberry dacquiri and a small bowl of peanuts. One day, much to the bartender's dismay, the delivery truck was involved in an accident, so he didn't get his supply of strawberries or peanuts. So he decided to try something a little different. That evening when the physician arrived, the bartender explained the situation, and offered to give him a drink he'd been experimenting with...on the house. After gaining agreement, the bartender mixed up a drink and dropped a couple of chopsticks into it, then handed it across the bar. "Here ya go...it's a hickory dacquiri, Doc."

You did say it was okay to pun poorly, so you have no one to blame but yourself!

[kittikattie.livejournal.com]

You know about Gandhi, but did you know that he refused to wear shoes, and his feet became hard and tough. He went for long periods fasting and refused to eat meat, even when he wasn't fasting. And both the fasting and his diet gave him extremely bad breath. And that he was of lean, slight build, especially in his later years.

So he was a super callous fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

I did give my baby brother a copy of "Gandhi's Philosophies For Children" once. He loved it and read it constantly and would never give it back, no matter how hard I pulled. It's tough work taking Gandhi from a baby.

[confessionalbox.livejournal.com]

I somehow feel responsible for this....

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Surprisingly, other forces were at work this dread day. Take comfort in the fact that the blame shall not rest heavy on your shoulders this time.

Unless someone dies. Then we're totally pinning it on you, sucker.

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

Dr. Jekyll's more successful second formula turned him into a world-class sprinter rather than a violent psychopath, proving that you can run but you can't always Hyde.

I'm sort of pissed I already did the quiz so I can't add a frillion awesome puns.

[drbear.livejournal.com]

A group of monks decided to make some money by opening a flower stand. However, they set it up outside the Playboy Mansion, and Hugh Hefner sued, forcing them to close the stand.

Which proves only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[spatialrift47.livejournal.com]

Look. You guys ain't seen nothin' yet. Time to bring on the PUNishment. Here are just a couple of my more recent ones.


Mathematician Joe McCrosky was concerned. The aliens had invaded, of course, but that wasn't what was bothering him. Joe never did care for whatever politics were going on at the time; that was in the world of men, and his work was with the eternal forms of number and function. So what had finally brought perturbation theory to bear on this formerly unperturbable singularity of intellect? He was running through the streets, dodging laser blasts. The aliens had started stealing his mathematics. First they took base 10, and then spread out from there. All he had left was base 17, which as you of course know is extremely ungainly to work with. Suddenly that vaporized too. It was then that he heard it, a terrible piercing scream that signified his doom.

"All your base are belong to us!"


And ...

Naturally, I didn't suspect anything. I came home, the toilet paper was scattered all over the house, and the cat food formed what can only be termed a blast radius around the dish. All in a day's work for a cat owner, but Sparky was such a cute cat. The unnatural moans should have tipped me off, I suppose, but I didn't think anything was wrong until I walked into the next room and saw Sparky, who now apparently had opposable thumbs, and could stand on his suddenly 4 foot long hind legs.

Yes, that's right. My cat had mewtated.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a second set of LJDQ answers to write, on the theory that angledge will read the quoted ones at some point. I'm a sadist at heart, really.

[deltashade.livejournal.com]

Good sir and/or madam, I believe puns may be right up your alley.

[fyreflyblue.livejournal.com]

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

[mamajoan.livejournal.com]

+1, Groucho.

[10littlebullets.livejournal.com]

It was a windy night and the orchestra was performing Beethoven's ninth symphony outdoors. The more sensible musicians spent intermission tying down their sheet music to their stands so it wouldn't blow away, but those incorrigible bass players decided to take the cellists to the lobby for a few drinks and they all managed to get quite plastered. So when the conductor returned to the podium, he was dismayed to find that in the second half of the Ninth, the scores were tied and the basses loaded.

[babybokal.livejournal.com]

A man in a small town in Austria started taking violin lessons from a woman who lived on the other side of a graveyard. Every night after his lesson, he would walk back home through the graveyard, and every night for a week he heard the mysterious strains of a Beethoven symphony being played backwards. The first night he heard Beethoven's ninth symphony; the second night, the eighth; the third night, the seventh; and so forth, all played backwards.

Finally, he mentioned the mysterious music to his violin teacher, who agreed to escort him home that night. They passed through the graveyard, and when they heard a new backwards Beethoven symphony, they followed the sound of the music to a particularly grandiose-looking grave. They dug up the grave and opened the casket...and there was Beethoven...decomposing.

[faithellen]

The world's foremost tea connoisseur had tasted all the types of tea in the world, except for the tea brewed in the small Australian town of Mersey. So he saved up his money, and he flew to Perth, rented a Rover and drove until he came to Mersey. He walked into the first tea house he found, and explained his mission to the owner. The owner said "Certainly, sir! Would you like to see how we make it?"

The owner went into the back and came out with a pan of water and a koala bear. He plunked the bear into the water and while the bear was soaking, explained this kind of tea could only be made from the part of the eucalyptus leaf that sticks to the bear. After a while, he took the bear out, shook him off and sent him back to the kitchen, heated the water and poured the man a cup.

The tea fan tentatively asked "Aren't you even going to strain it?" Horrified, the owner said "The koala tea of Mersey is not strained!"

[i-calql8.livejournal.com]

Open season on puns???

BWAH HAHAHAHAHAH!!!

So these two guys are fishing on a lake. One guy stands up and loses his billfold out of his back pocket, which falls into the water. Amazingly, one fish balances it on its nose, and tosses it in the air to another fish, who balances it on its nose before tossing it to another, and so on, until it lands back in the boat.

"That's incredible!" said the man.
"Not really," said his friend. "Haven't you ever heard of carp-to-carp walleting?"

[drbear.livejournal.com]

A laboratory was performing experiments on its porpoises to see if they could be made to live forever. The diet that worked best was to feed the porpoises young seagulls. One day the man who fed the dolphins walked out to feed them but found the expeimental lion had escaped and was sitting quietly between him and the porpoise tank. Careful not to make the lion move, the man found a way to feed the porpoises. He found bread and managed to toss it over the tank, luring the seagulls over there, and the porpoises were able to jump up and grab them.

Sadly a policeman saw him do this and arrested the man.

He was charged with luring young gulls over a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

[confessionalbox.livejournal.com]

oh we have a winner.. or is that loser.... that was just... words fail me

[i-calql8.livejournal.com]

Wait, wait, I have another...

So the brothers at the local monastery take up horticulture, growing and cross-breeding all kinds of plant, making money for their upkeep by selling admission to the townspeople, who loved to admire the floral innovations.

One innovation was a giant carnivorous plant, however. And two little kids got a little too close one day. The plant thought nothing of eating them up. This enraged the townspeople so, and they demanded that the plants be destroyed--all of them, so no more dangerous plants could be created. The head abbott refused, stating that plants were God's children, too.

This did not satisfy the locals, and they called upon the local lumberjack, Hugh, to go to the monastery and destroy it, and all of its evil flora.

The moral: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Re: Awright, you asked for it....

[n5iln.livejournal.com]

So Brother Robert was really the fish friar?

[shinga.livejournal.com]

Oh my God.

Will the punishment never end?

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Well, most of them are punning with punache, so it's ok.

[asiswellknown.livejournal.com]

what do you call a midget fortune teller who's on the run from the law?

a small medium at large!

[i-calql8.livejournal.com]

Hang on, I got one more--

One day, famous cowboy Roy Rogers walked out of a store with a new and very expensive pair of shoes. Unfortunately, that same night, his dog, Bullet, who was getting on in years and was a little senile, accidentally got incontinent all over the just-bought footwear.

Well, Roy cleaned them as best he could, and set them out on the porch of his ranch to dry overnight. The next morning, he opened the front door and saw that his shoes have been completely shredded, no doubt by the local wildlife in the area.

Roy took his shotgun, went hunting, found a puma with a piece of tattered leather hanging from its fang, and shot it dead in a vengeful rage.

He mounted its head as a trophy above his front door that same day. One of his friends came over later, saw the head, and asked:

"Pardon me, Roy--is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"

[harleenquinzell.livejournal.com]

I don't get this one..

[i-calql8.livejournal.com]

And my favorite pun, one I like to quote when discussing the so-called 'benefits' of merit pay for teachers...it's the old Dorothy Parker quote:

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

This is all Isaac Asimov's fault.

[thecuckoo.livejournal.com]

It was extremely unusual for a Foy to be dying on earth. They were the highest social class on their planet (which had a name that was pronounced — as nearly as earthly throats could make the sounds — Sortibackenstrete) and were virtually immortal.

Every Foy, of course, came to a voluntary death eventually, and this one had given up because of an ill-starred love affair, if you can call it a love affair where five individuals, in order to reproduce, must indulge in a yearlong mental contact. Apparently, the Foy had not fit into the contact after several months of trying, and it had broken his heart — or hearts, for he had five.

All Foys had five large hearts and there was speculation that it was this that made them virtually immortal.

Maude Briscoe, earth's most renowned surgeon, wanted those hearts. "It can't be just their number and size, Ray," she said to her chief assistant. "It has to be something physiological or biochemical. I must have them."

"I don't know if we can manage that," said Ray Johnson. "I've been speaking to him earnestly, trying to overcome the Foy taboo against dismemberment after death. I've had to lie to him, Maude."

"Lie?"

"I told him that after death, there would be a dirge sung for him by the world-famous choir led by Harold J. Gassenbaum. I told him that, by earthly belief, this would mean that his astral essence would be instantaneously wafted back, through hyperspace, to his home planet of Sortib-what's-it's-name — provided he would sign a release allowing you, Maude, to have his hearts for scientific investigation."

"Don't tell me he believed that."

"Well, you know this modern attitude about accepting the myths and beliefs of intelligent aliens. It wouldn't have been polite for him not to believe me. Besides, the Foys have a profound admiration for earthly science and I think this one is a little flattered that we should want his hearts. He promised to consider the suggestion and I hope he decides soon because he can't live more than another, day or so, and we must have his permission by interstellar law, and the hearts must be fresh — Ah, his signal."

Ray Johnson moved in with smooth and noiseless speed. "Yes?" he whispered, unobtrusively turning on the holographic recording device in case the Foy wished to grant permission.

The Foy's large, gnarled, rather tree like body lay motionless on the bed. His bulging eyes palpitated — all five of them — as they rose, each on its stalk, and turned toward Ray. The Foy's voice had a strange tone and the lipless edges of his open round mouth did not move, but the words formed perfectly. His eyes were making the Foyan gestures of assent as he said,


"Give my big hearts to Maude, Ray. Dismember me for Harold's choir. Tell all the Foys on Sortibackenstrete that I will soon be there."

Re: This is all Isaac Asimov's fault.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

And this is why Isaac Asimov is dead.

[i-calql8.livejournal.com]

...and remember, kids--the best puns are actually two-thirds of a pun.

P-U.

*end punnish flurry

[lacunarity.livejournal.com]

There was a mama skunk who had two baby skunks named In and Out. One day, Mama skunk called her babies in for supper. Out came right away, but In played a joke on Mama skunk and hid. She searched all over for In but couldn't find him. Finally, she asked Out to help her search, and he immediately was able to find his brother. She asked him how he was able to find him so quickly, and Out said, "In stinks."