Qualudes Don't Justify Larceny

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, it is Thursday, the post-hump day, so I hope everyone got in enough humping yesterday. Now it's time to put those virtual pens to the virtual paper and finalize your answers to this week's quizly goodness. Some of you are prompt and studious and have answered already; well-done, we say unto thee! But some of you are filled with sloth and laziness and have not partaken of our offering. And so, instead of eating a tasty animal, I offer something called INCENTIVE! Yes, this week, angledge is hard at work in the field and then off travelling to the far reaches of the East Coast. This will take her away from precious Internet... which leaves me free to add ALL THE PUNS I WANT. So take this opportunity to pun away! Pun like you've never punned before! Pun in your answers! Pun in these comments! Pun well! Pun poorly! The hour is upun you all!


Right. Here's a pun joke to start you all off. After this travesty, everything else should look good in comparison.

The Carnival had come to Camelot, and all the squires were given the day off to enjoy the fair. Squire James, Squire John, and Squire Robert went out together and immediately headed for the Exotic Animal Rides. The animal trainer welcomed them and showed off his menagerie of beasts for the squires to try out. James and John, hardy lean fellows as they were, selected a giraffe and a camel respectively, and took off down the field. Robert, however, was a good deal heavier than his comrades; in fact, as heavy as both of them together. The animal trainer had only one creature available that could handle Robert's girth: a hippopotamus. With some ado, Robert was seated on the large creature and set out after his friends.

In summary, the squire on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two rides.

Can you do better? Goddam straight you can. Play the quiz! Play now!

Comments

[deltashade.livejournal.com]

We're gonna pun like kings! Damn hell ass kings!

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

According to question 1, more like kings of Hellass.

[woap.livejournal.com]

A frog hops up to Miss Patricia Wack, a teller at a bank. "How can I help you, little guy?" "My name is Kermit Jagger, and I'd like to borrow some money," and the frog gives her a little crystal elephant. "Will that do?"

Utterly mindblown, she goes to her bank and relates the story. "And what is this elephant for?"

He tells her:

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan - his old man's a Rolling Stone."

[woap.livejournal.com]

*to her BOSS, dammit.

And I already did the quiz, so I can waste time punning.

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Pun away!

[wingsister.livejournal.com]

There were two guys in a boat in the middle of a lake, fishing. After a while, they started to fell a little chilly, so the lit a fire in the middle of the boat. It burnt a hole through it, and the boat sank.

Which just goes to show that you can't have you kayak and heat it too.

[lacunarity.livejournal.com]

Did someone mention bad puns?

Two fish are in a tank. One of them turns to the other and says, "Hey, how do you steer this thing?"

Two birds are on a perch. One of them turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you smell fish?"

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Followed by the classic:

A man walks into a bar. *THUNK* "Ow!"

[wingsister.livejournal.com]

You forgot:

A fish swim into a wall and says, "Damn!"

[lovellama.livejournal.com]

For dinner last night, we had Lasagna and Honeymoon Salad (lettuce alone). (we really did!)

Fourteen naked Peruvian nuns walk into a bar. The bartender asks if he can get the ladies anything. They say 'No thanks, we're trying to kick the habit'.

Once upon a time there was a birch tree and a beech tree growing next to each other in the forest. One day they noticed a little sapling had emerged between them. They started arguing who's child it was-- was it was a son of a beech or a son of a birch? A woodpecker few by and they requested that he go take a look and tell them. Minutes passed, and the woodpecker finally returned. When asked if the sapling was a son of a beech or a son of a birch, the woodpecker answered 'Neither, but it's the best piece of ash I've ever had'.

[n5iln.livejournal.com]

Well, you o-pun-ed the door, so I'll just have to jump a-pun the bandwagon.

A physician had a habit of visiting the local bar every evening after his rounds at the hospital. And he always ordered the same thing...a strawberry dacquiri and a small bowl of peanuts. One day, much to the bartender's dismay, the delivery truck was involved in an accident, so he didn't get his supply of strawberries or peanuts. So he decided to try something a little different. That evening when the physician arrived, the bartender explained the situation, and offered to give him a drink he'd been experimenting with...on the house. After gaining agreement, the bartender mixed up a drink and dropped a couple of chopsticks into it, then handed it across the bar. "Here ya go...it's a hickory dacquiri, Doc."

You did say it was okay to pun poorly, so you have no one to blame but yourself!

[kittikattie.livejournal.com]

You know about Gandhi, but did you know that he refused to wear shoes, and his feet became hard and tough. He went for long periods fasting and refused to eat meat, even when he wasn't fasting. And both the fasting and his diet gave him extremely bad breath. And that he was of lean, slight build, especially in his later years.

So he was a super callous fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

[confessionalbox.livejournal.com]

I somehow feel responsible for this....

[deltashade.livejournal.com]

Oh, GOD, I love that second one. (In the same vein, when you compel someone to become a nun, it's a force of habit.)

[n5iln.livejournal.com]

And its logical followup...

Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second two would have noticed it.

[asiswellknown.livejournal.com]

oh, it's a lovely simpsons quote, though... from the lord of the flies episode. "we'll live like the swiss family robinson...but with more swearing. we'll live like kings! damn hell ass kings!"

[kittikattie.livejournal.com]

I would have been a nun, but that's the amount of nookie you're allowed to have so...

[the-wanlorn.livejournal.com]

Dr. Jekyll's more successful second formula turned him into a world-class sprinter rather than a violent psychopath, proving that you can run but you can't always Hyde.

I'm sort of pissed I already did the quiz so I can't add a frillion awesome puns.

[lacunarity.livejournal.com]

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

[lacunarity.livejournal.com]

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." The mushroom says, "Aw, come on. I'm a fun guy!"

[drbear.livejournal.com]

A group of monks decided to make some money by opening a flower stand. However, they set it up outside the Playboy Mansion, and Hugh Hefner sued, forcing them to close the stand.

Which proves only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[lacunarity.livejournal.com]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

[drbear.livejournal.com]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

[drbear.livejournal.com]

JINX! owe me a coke!

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh... much is made clear now.