ljdq | LJ Daily Answers: 14 November 2005

chaosvizier.livejournal.com posting in

This quiz is dedicated in its entirety to

crystalcazzie.

"It seems that pens are the theme for this quiz... My god this is the first time I've ever figured out a quiz theme. It's creepy." -

vanbrosia

*facepalm*x3

"You know, it figures that this week's theme would be about male genitalia, because I'm going through a wicked dry spell. Curse you,

ljdq!!! **sobs**" -

dark_goddess_

"So, feeling a bit cocky this week, are we? Well, you sure picked a wiener this time. I hope my funny doesn't peter out by the end of this. But we shall see, which is fact, and which is phallusy. Don't be too hard on us quizlings. I'll just quit while I'm a head, before someone balls me out." -

peaseblossom03

Couldn't have said it better myself.

1. Which New York Yankees player's nickname is "The Big Unit"?

"I tell you, American Football questions are unfair to the sane world, where they play football with their feet and not the hands..." -

theroach
"Sheesh! What is it with you and the hockey questions?" -

deza

(Ummm... who gets to tell them we're talking about baseball? -C)
(Ooo! Me! Me! I wanna! -AL)
(Let's just wait this one out and see what happens. -CV)

"George Steinbrenner is a dick." - Near-universal agreement on this one.

"The Fridge." -

germankitty

(Sorry. William "The Refrigerator" Perry played football. -CV)

"Uh... how about Dick Butkus? or maybe Peter O'Toole?" -

krick

"I have no idea, so instead I will say 'Alan Tudyk,' who should, by the theme, have been an answer on this quiz." -

barbarienne

"As a member of Red Sox Nation, I am prohibited from answering this question." -

dark_goddess_,

death_ismygift

(*high-fives all around* -C)

"I'm going to guess A-Rod. Because a rod seems like a big unit." -

shmuel

"The only Yankee I can name is Matsui, because he's the only one anyone in Japan cares about. But boy do they love him! They call him Godzilla, and I hear he has a huge porn collection, but whether or not he is or has a big unit, I don't know." -

marasca

(He's Japanese. What do you think? -CV)

"Keeping with the theme, Randy Johnson's IMDB biography was written by Matt Dicker." -

richcsigs

(Normally, web research is frowned upon, but in this case, we can make an exception. -CV)

"I remember when Randy Johnson played for the Mariners. Every time the M's trade someone, the player ends up in the Series." -

miss_katelynne

"When he was pitching for the Mariners during a playoff game some fan had a sign, 'Nobody beats R. Johnson'." -

jacesan

"I sure as hell don't know why people thought it necessary to nickname Randy Johnson as "The Big Unit"....he don't look that big to me." -

atomichatred82

(The man stands six feet, ten inches tall. What does it take to qualify for "big" in your universe?? -C)

"Randy 'I Can only pitch when it's hot outside, when I have ten days of rest in between, when pigs fly, and when it's ten years ago' Johnson." -

pixie_stickx
"Randy 'The Yankees Making Me Cut My Mullet Was the Best Thing That Organization Ever Did' Johnson" -

baseballchica03
"I always prefered Randy Johnson as a mulleted Mariner, personally." -

rivetkitten

"Being a Yankees fan I have to say, they really should just fire Randy Johnson. Big Unit or not, he sucks balls (pun absolutely intended with this week's theme) as a Yankee. I remember the days when he was a great pitcher and I remember days when the Yankees were a good team. But put The Big Unit in pinstripes and the team just can't get it together. For that kind of salary I'm pretty sure I could pitch better than Randy Johnson, and believe me, that's saying something." -

aimers81

Correct Answer: Randy Johnson

(That's right, this question pretty much wrote itself. -CV)

2. What veteran actor starred in "Mary Poppins" in '64, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" in '68, and, curiously enough, a television movie entitled "The Gin Game" in '03?

"I never saw Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, until last summer when we were visiting my parents. It really made me wish I was still a pot smoker." -

miss_katelynne

"I love Chitty Chitty Bang Bang though, it was so weird finding out that Ian Fleming wrote the book that the movie is based off. But I should've guessed with a name like Truly Scrumptious." -

radiotrash
"And then I think of a Bond villainess named Titty Titty Bang Bang, but y'know, that'd probably be too overt for them." -

v827

"I was going to say Julie Andrews, but I couldn't think of a 'dick' association." -

david_deacon

(You obviously have not seen "Victor/Victoria". -CV)

"

chaosvizier knows all there is to know about the gin game.

chaosvizier's had his share of the gin game.
First there are shots, then there are steins
And then before you know where you are
You're saying "More, aye!"
One day soon, CV'll tell

angledge about the gin game.
And if she knows maybe she'll explain.
I always want more of the gin game.
Barkeep, another pour of the gin game.
Keep giving me more of the gin game.
I always want more of the gin game." -

deltashade

"Hoi, it's a jollie 'oliday wiv yew, Mayree Poppins!" -

formshaper, demonstrating why so many of you railed against his Cockney accent.

"I wouldnt mind being the Dick that Chitty Chitty Bang Bang'd Mary Poppins..." -

constance1010
"I'm not sure if I should be amused or cry because

ljdq has dirtied up my favorite childhood movie, and not in a way any chimney sweep could fix." -

kizoku

"Cock Van Butchy!" -

dark_goddess_
"Penis Van Lesbian!" -

djs_specs,

jessicamariek,

hopefulnebula,

debvel,

alliterator,

seldear
"Richard Van Lesbian" -

csi_tokyo3
"NastyPerson Sneaker DominantLesbian?" -

falar
"Guess he really was a lesbian trapped in a man'd body." -

beyond_the_six

"Dick Van Dyke, named after the seminal incident from 'Hans Brinker and the Silver Skates.' The bowdlerized versions claim Hans used his finger to plug a hole and ward off destruction, but that wouldn't have the same symbolic impact, would it?" -

shmuel

"So did the kids yell 'DICK' or 'DYKE' at him on the playground, and did they get in trouble for doing it." -

kiwislut

"Bleep Van Bleep." - for the nine of you who needed to be properly censored.

Correct Answer: Dick Van Dyke

"Oh him, he was in that Dick Van Dyke show." -

avron

3. How does this old saying begin?
"_______________ mightier than the sword."

(For the sake of about 80% of you, and because the question really did set it up for this inevitable conclusion, I include this scene in its entirety from "Celebrity Jeopardy", probably the funniest thing to happen on Saturday Night Live in about a decade. -CV)

Alex Trebek - "Why don't you pick a category, Mr. Connery?"
Sean Connery - "I've got to ask you about the Penis Mightier."
Alex Trebek - "The what? No... no, no, no, no, no, no.... that's... that's 'The Pen Is Mightier'."
Sean Connery - "Gussy it up however you want, Trebek, what matters is, does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?"
Alex Trebek - "It's not a product, Mr. Connery."
Sean Connery - "'Cause I've ordered devices like that before. Wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind telling you. And if the Penis Mightier really works, I'll order a dozen."
Alex Trebek - "It's not a mightier, there's no such thing!"
Nicolas Cage - "Wait, wait wait.... are you selling Penis Mightiers?"
Alex Trebek - "No! No I'm not!"
Sean Connery - "Well you're sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!"

"OK,

chaosvizier....did you have to win a gin-infused Jell-O wrestling contest against

angledge to get this question in here?" -

atomichatred82

(I've said it many times - I had NOTHING TO DO with this week's Quiz. I am busy, working away at infrastructure repairs down here in New Orleans, trusting that my beloved Quiz is in good hands with CV & C. -AL)

(*snigger snigger snort giggle haw* -CV&C)

"'The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch is mightier than the sword.' Whoops, sorry, I'm still on last week's theme." -

barbarienne

"The pun is mightier than the sword." -

the_wanlorn,

deza

(God I hate this quiz. -AL)

"An odd concept, since the penis is also referred to as a sword in bodice rippers and bad porn. And to drift even further off topic, my wedding was done in faux-Rennie costume. Folks were invited to attend in costume if they wished. And I have a photo of a couple of friends dueling with a sword and a Bic pen. Of course, the fellow with the pen had the advantage of full chain mail, which reduced the sword's efficacy." -

teal_cuttlefish

"Was this week's quiz sponsored by the Online Gamers Who Live In Their Parent's Basement And Have Never Had Sex Guild?" -

sweetpea86

(Are you here as the Guild representative? -AL)

"Last week a stranger told me that 'the pen is mightier than the sword,' so I challenged him to prove it. I cut him up pretty badly, but he was right: that permanent ink is tough to get off." -

speckled_llama

"Oddly enough, a long time ago, in a galaxy far away, they had a similar saying: 'Ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.'" -

v827

(Niiiice. -AL)

" Learning the proper use of metaphor.

"
-

hellpaladin2183

"Dawn gazed in awe and gasped in shock as Baron de Hongo stepped out from the shadows. The sword hanging at his side was impressive, to be sure, but her eyes were fixed on the bulge at the front of his breeches, wondering what magical fabric could hold it inside, that gigantic rod of love that was even mightier than the sword." -

paleshadow

(We're hoping this is not an excerpt from your NaNoWriMo novel. -AL)

"Hey, stretch your memories back a few years - did your classmates ever do the pen15 game? You know, where they come up to you and go 'Join the pen 15 club! Wriite it on your hand and you get fifteen free pens!'? I haven't seen it around since primary school, but I do wonder how old it is." -

maggiebloome

(

calankh &

radiotrash are also members of the club. -AL)

"Two swords is..." -

cerulgalactus

(Microsoft Grammar Checker says two swords are mightier. The paperclip gives you a -1. -CV)

"This seems unlikely. A penis, mightier than a sword? Psssh. Just ask John Wayne Bobbitt about that one, why don't you." -

__traicionera

"I'll go with 'The spiked chain is...' Two handed weapon, with reach but you can also hit with it in the square in front of you, and with the right feats you can fight from behind someone else, giving you nearly full cover (meat shield!). Plus the damage is pretty rockin', as I recall (was it a d10 or a d12?)" -

marasca
"The vorpal blade is mightier than the sword, obviously. It goes snicker-snack and has a one in twenty chance of beheading the enemy." -

rokeon

(Going Old School for a shared Geek of the Week Award this time. -AL)

(Split a -d4 between you, just because. -CV)

"But our local newspaper once wrote a headline about Wisconsin Gov. Thompson vetoing several budget items with the headline THOMPSON'S PEN IS A SWORD. Yes, they left out the space between Pen and Is." -

drbear

Correct Answer: "Beneath the rule of men truly great, the pen is..." - sarekofvulcan

4. Which computer company, famous for its 60's-era calculator technology and the introduction of one of the most popular word processors in the 70's, was acquired by Getronics N.V. in 1999?

"I have no clue. I think it's right on the tip of my tongue..." -

dv8dragonfly

"An upstanding company, until it was spent." -

belu

"Spacely Sprockets" -

jaebird

(+1, The Jetsons. -CV)

"Texas Instruments? But that's not dirty. I mean, it could be made dirty...I'm doing it right now...crap." -

amberdulen
"Instrument is such a lame epithet for a penis. It sounds like something you'd read in a Harlequin Romance. Not quite as bad as 'member' though, (member is okay if preceded by the adjective 'turgid')." -

miss_katelynne

"Dong Computer, Inc., of Korea. Their slogan was 'Everybody wants a Dong.'" -

badong

(Part-credit, mostly because your username is part-dong. -CV)

"Everybody Wang Chung tonight." - well, we know what a lot of you are doing this evening.
"How does one wang chung, anyway?" -

dreamalynn

"Oh, thank goodness someone diverted attention away from my shirt!" -

conjurdude

(+1, The Simpsons. -CV)

"Ah, I used to love my Wang." -

shmuel,

dhud98

(And for ten minutes and a yuppie food stamp, so can anyone else! *badum-ching* Thank you, I'll be here all week. -CV)

"When I was a young impressionable child my uncle would drive my family up to New Hampshire to visit our relatives. On the way, we would pass by the headquarters for Wang, which was a high-rise building with the name of the company on the top. Without fail my uncle would always call out, 'My God, look at that huge Wang over there. That thing is huuuuge! That's the biggest Wang I've ever seen.' which would always crack me up. The building's still there and even though it's not owned by Wang anymore I still snicker every time I drive by it." -

richcsigs

"I used to work in a building that housed a Wang branch office; there were several parking spots marked 'Reserved for WANG.'" -

teal_cuttlefish
"I can just see the boardroom acquisition meetings. 'Hey, let's go get some Wang!'" -

compwizrd
"I so wish they made servers. 'So, is the Wang up?'" -

tall_man

"Someone really should have told them what their corporate name worked out to be in slang. I mean, Chevrolet renamed the Nova for Spanish-speaking distribution, because no one would buy a car that wouldn't go." -

wingedelf

"I think this...
Once again, praise the magic that is Penny Arcade.

is what really sealed the deal for them." -

buzz

(Also,

trishalynn noted this one from the Penny Arcade boys. She also was looking for this one. Hell with it, I'll cite this one too, just for good measure. Shit, I'd better stop now. -CV)

"Wang Global. This company was founded by Dr An Wang, who answered the perennial grammatical question of whether the indefinite article for nouns beginning with 'w' whould be 'a' or 'an.'" -

deza

Correct Answer: Wang Global (formerly Wang Industries)

5. During the (unfortunately) legendary "O.J. Simpson Trial", Simpson was defended by which lawyer (now deceased)?

"What? Did O.J. bump him off too?" -

icarusancalion

"This is the most juvenile theme ever. It's wonderful." -

melster

"Hmmm, what's the only penis synonym you haven't used yet? I'm gonna go with Woody Schlong." -

dizzle09

"Zefram Cochrane, inventor of the faster-than-light drive." -

david_deacon

"Janet Reno? Is he dead?" -

jargon

(While it is a common mistake to make, we should point out that Janet Reno is female. And not dead. -CV)

"Hee. I wouldn't have known this one if I hadn't gotten the theme. Because I'm horrible with popular events. (Due to this theme, I can't even say 'I suck at popular events' because that would so be taken wrong.)" -

darksky23

(Would we do something like that? -AL)

"I'm trying to come up with a cock joke about a stiff... it's harder than you'd think." -

beyond_the_six

"Aren't all lawyers dicks?" -

jessicamariek

(True. Full credit. -AL)

"My parents' generation remembers where they were when they heard JFK had been assassinated. Mine remembers where we were when we heard the OJ verdict. How sad is that?" -

rokeon

"Penis jokes about a dead guy. Will a useless fact work? Did you know that necrophilia is only illegal in 16 states? Something to think about." -

fruitoftheloon

"Chewbacca was a wookie, and yet he lived on Endor. That does not make sense! Look at the monkey! Look at the silly monkey!

and many variations thereof - about thirty of you.

"Johnny Cochran is dead? I bet he's pissed that Rosa Parks' death got more media coverage. Can you sue in the afterlife?" -

colelynne

(If so, Rosa Parks is screwed, 'cause how's she gonna find a lawyer in Heaven? -C)

"This would be Johnny Cochran. Staying on theme, it's a little known fact that one of his last cases was as the defense in a paternity suit. Insert joke about contraceptives and their degree of suitability here." -

herodotusjr

Correct Answer: Johnnie Cochran

6. So.... how's it hanging?

(Summary of answers:)

"LEFT" - 20.

"RIGHT" - 3.

"I HAVE NO DANGLY MAN-BITS TO DANGLE, YOU MORONIC MODS." - 11.

"If I had anything to hang, it'd probably be down and to the left. Thankfully, I have nothing to hang. What about yours?? And can I see?? Come on, whip it out, whip it out!" -

reddholly

(Since this quiz theme is ALL YOUR FAULT, & because you're the only mod properly equipped, this one is all you,

chaosvizier. -AL&C)

(To borrow a quote from "Blazing Saddles", "'scuse me while I whip this out!" -CV)

"I feel so dirty after completing this quiz. So very dirty." -

calico321

(Just imagine how we feel after grading it. -AL&C&CV)

"Well, they are starting to hang low, which depresses me just a little since I'm only 31, I didn't think they'd start hanging until I was at LEAST 50." -

overtheedge916

"They're both actually rather perky today, but thank you for your concern." -

schizospider

"I locked my keys in my car last night at the office, and ended up having to call AAA to come rescue me from my own stupidity. One of the big bosses in the company drove by and saw the guy trying to get my door open, and has been harassing me all morning. It's starting to get really annoying, and to tie in with the theme, I'm about ready to tell him to stop being such a dick. For a second there, had 'suck a dick.' Wow, Freudian typos much?" -

kiwislut

"why don't you go ask your mom." -

constance1010

(Yup, always at least one in every crowd. -CV)

"Probably better if I ever opened the ninety thousand emails I seem to get telling me I can buy viagra cheaply." -

liseuse

"What happens to a penis in zero-grav? Does it sorta float around of its own accord (okay, so attached to the guy one presumes is also floating around since randomly floating penises [penii?] has a scary degree of wrongness) and just be...out there? Have astronauts ever actually said?" -

seldear

"To quote the guys in my (Irish-speaking) secondary school: 'íseal agus éasca.'" -

maeritrae

(While none of the LJDQ mods speak sufficient Gaelic to translate this phrase (AL knows that "agus" means "and"), we are including it in case it is dirty. -C&AL&CV)

"Pretty good. Today for lunch coincidentally enough (or was it? o.0), I had a hot dog from BJ's that fit the theme *very* well. My God was this thing huge. As big as a baby's arm." -

lovellama

"I wouldn't know. I have a bad back and my doctor told me not to pick up anything heavy." -

david_deacon

"Mounted nicely on my wall, thanks. Trust me. He was done using it." -

whiski_sour

(And hundreds of male Quizlings simultaneously recoil in horror from their screens. -AL)

"It's November in northern Canada. It's not hanging, it's frozen in place." -

paleshadow

"We hang em high here in Texas." -

mcclintock

"All I can do is quote the immortal lyrics of George Michael:
'Zip me up before you go-go
Don't leave me hanging out like a yo-yo...'" -

sasscat

"Well... now I've got 'Do Your Ears Hang Low?' stuck in my head. Thanks, guys. Really." -

profsparky

(If it's any consolation, you have a lot of company. Although a rather amazing variety of lyrics to that song were quoted in the answers. -AL&CV)

"I think this picture answers all the questions on this weeks quiz....
There's really no amount of alt text that could make this picture any better.

There's really no amount of alt text that could make this picture any better.

" -

get2llamaschool

And there you have it. Moderately sincere apologies to anyone who might have been offended by this week's theme. Let's face it, this really was inevitable. I'm surprised it took us over a year to have a theme based entirely on male sexual organs. Now that's what I call restraint.

See you all again tomorrow!

Rock on,

AL&CV&C

Current Mood: well-hung
Current Music: Monty Python's "The Penis Song"